SP: The Only Sane Man
by Anonymous Fanz
Summary: Jack Henderson creates a web series so he can rant about things he's pissed off about, and review stuff. Spinoff of This town is messed up.
1. Burning Microsoft products

**Me: This is a new series I came up with where Jack rants about random shit with various other South Park characters with occasional references to the show. I decided to start this when Microsoft decided to screw me over and delete all my shit in their newest update for my Xbox 360. They should be glad I still use it when I have an Xbox one! Now, I just prevented them from watching me through my IPad. After hours of yelling fuck you to them, I am now launching my first wave of retaliation.**

**I do not own any South Park Characters who appear or any other products/companies/characters/other copy righted names and brands that are mentioned or displayed.**

**...**

"I am fucking pissed off at Microsoft right now." Jack said, as he threw his Xbox one, Xbox 360, IPad, and various other Microsoft products into a pile. "They just wiped out my data in an update for my Xbox. It's not the first time I lost data because of an update either. It's my fucking Xbox 360?! Fuck you!" Jack poured gasoline onto the pile. "Ever since I got my Xbox 360, it has never once worked right. One time, it tried to eat one of my video games, and I had to send it to back to Microsoft so they could fix it. When they did, they gave me a free gold, but that doesn't make up for one of my favorite games being destroyed!" Jack threw game disks, one by one into the pile. "Even after that, the Xbox still wouldn't read games right. And somehow, it keeps scratching the games I put in, eventually making them unusable. That's why most of my games are downloaded on my hard drive, which was just WIPED FUCKING CLEAN!" Jack threw the Xbox hard drive into the pile. "And my Xbox keeps getting Red Rings yearly. That was strike two. STrike three was wiping my data. I'd rather be part of the HUMANCENTIPAD than have to waste hours getting all my shit back." Jack pulled a cigarette lighter out of his pocket. "After all the shit I did for you on Black Friday, you do this? Well fuck you!" Jack threw the lighter, was caused a massive fire, destroying all of the stuff he bought. "You can destroy my games, you can take my Xbox, but if you destroy all my data on my games, I am going to have to hunt your ass down and murder you!" Jack yelled into his camera, before turning it off.


	2. My Iphone sucks

**I'm back with another addition to this series. It would appear that the day after the uploading of last chapter, someone to fixed the issue with my Xbox's loss of data.**

...

Jack walks to the camera holding his I-phone. "I have had up to here, with my I-phone. This outdated peice of crap can't even type properly. It keeps changing what I'm typing because it thinks I'm trying to type something that isn't even spelled close to what I'm typing." He opened a window. "Not only that, but it's battery dies more often than Kenny!" Captions popped up saying "Kenny dies alot. Seriously.". "It's battery life is two hours! With setting changed to save power. How long does it last with out them? A few minutes!" Jack climbed out of his window. "The only reason I haven't replaced it already is because if I replace the thing everytime a new phone comes out, I'm going to have no allowance! I barely make any money off that anyway, because my dad is a greedy [Redacted]!" Jack grabbed the camera and positioned it on his window. "Goodbye crappy I-phone. I'll just have to use my Ipad from now. Once I find it." Jack threw his I-phone out the window.

"Oh my god! They've killed Kenny!" "You bastards!" Jack ran back into his house before anyone could see him. "It's fine. This happens all the time." Jack assured.

...

1 hour or so later

Jack reads comments from the last chapter. "My Ipad? Son of a bi—" The video ended.


	3. Burning Apple products

**Congratulations Apple! I had to do a rant about you because you F'ed up my Ipad again! Now, it's slower than ever, and my favorite App is broken. Are you happy? Here comes another rant everybody!**

**...**

Jack places his camera on a rock somewhere in the woods. "You're probably wondering why I'm in the middle of the forest right now." Jack said. "It's because I came here to destroy my Apple products." Jack said, while dropping a bag full of said Apple products. "Because they're latest update erased my Icloud." He poured gasoline on the pile of Apple Products, and lit them on fire. "I haven't seen Apple fuck up this bad since the Humancentipad." Jack threw a garbage bin full of recycled paper into the fire. "You know why they keep making more devices? Because they want your fucking money!" Jack picked up the camera, and moved it closer to the fire. "Well guess what? I'm not paying for a new one. That's the last Ipad I'm getting. I'm going to use PC from now on. At least they aren't after your fucking money!"


	4. Columbus day rant

**This is the first chapter not be inspired by any prior events in my life. Nice!**

**...**

Jack turns on a webcam on his new PC computer. "Hello whoever is watching this. I'm here to talk about Columbus day." Jack said. "Let's start by exlaining what Columbus day is: It's day when we celebrate Christopher Columbus's arrival to America, when he discovered the West Indian's living there." Jack said, using ear quotes to as he said West Indian's. "And by discovered, of course, I mean abducted and murdered." Jack clarified. "He wasn't even the first person to find it. Other than the Native Americans, Polyniesians, Romans, Egyptians, and Vikings got here long before he did!" Jack added. "Nothing good came from him getting here. All he did was bring white people here, which lead to slavery and wars. Then latter, it created America, and country founded on slavory and wars!" Jack ranted. "Oh I'm sorry. Cheap labor and wars." Jack corrected. "The only good thing that came from that holiday is the yearly day off from school." Jack said. "Henderson is three syllables, Illuminazi confirmed!" Someone yelled in the background. "Oh my [REDACTED] god. We'll have to stop this rant for a moment, I apparently have unexpected guests." Jack said, before ending the video.


	5. Illuminazi confirmed!

**I think one of my characters may have infiltrated the canon. I won't say who, but one of the characters in season 19 seems to share the personality of one of my OCs. Anyway, this is the final chapter of the first arc of this story. Jack is the second most influential OC I have ever made. He shifted the way I see things. Ironically, it's because I made him that I can never be him. He allows me to vent my more cynical views of the world. **

**...**

Jack picked up his camera. "Ok, I need to see what the fuck is going on." He walked out of his room to Find Cartman at his front door, talking to Ellie. "What is he doing here?" Jack asked.

"I'm trying to warn people about the Illuminazi!" Cartman answered, showing his own camera.

"You're just trying to make people start watching my videos!" Jack yelled.

"Nuh, uh!"

"You saw I had my own webseries, so your trying to get views on whatever your making by trying to make people think I'm part of the Illuminati." Jack said. "Or a Nazi. I'm not either of them!"

"No, I'm not!" Cartman denied.

"Get out of my house." Jack ordered.

"I think warning everybody about the Illuminazi is a little more important." Eric anwered.

"Since when did you hate Nazi's? Weren't you the one that likes them because they hate the Jews?" Jack asked.

"Don't make this about me." Cartman tried to deflect the arguement.

"You went as Adolf Hitler for Haloween. Then you changed to a KKK costume." Jack said.

"HEY! That was supposed to be a ghost costume, and the principle gave it to me!" Cartman yelled.

"I don't care! You're everthing wrong with humanity combined into a fat sack of shit! Get the fuck out of here!" Jack yelled.

"AYE! I... HEY! At least I don't just sit around complaining about everything all the time!" Cartman countered.

"You want to know why?" Jack asked. "Because the world is a peice of shit, and I would love nothing more than the chance to watch it burn."

"See! He wants to destroy the world! Illuminazi confirmed." Eric said.

"Go ahead! Upload the video. It's not like anyone's going to watch it!" Jack yelled. "Screw you, you can go home!" Jack slammed the door shut.

"Aw, Goddammit!" Cartman yelled.

Jack returned to his room. He dropped the camera without turning it off. It only was able to see his legs as he sat down in his chair. "I am done with this bullshit!" Jack yelled. Suddenly, Jack was knocked out of his chair, and dragged off screen. The camera remaned active until it's battery eventually died.


	6. Stop ruining South Park!

**This is the first chapter directly linked to an episode. Jack Henderson vs South Park season nineteen.**

**...**

Jack walked across the cafeteria to his camera. "I had to come out of retirement for this shit." Jack said. "I'm here, where the changes to South Park first started." Jack said. "So let's start with the first real issue I have with the changes we've made to this town." Jack sat down. "The PC Bros, the politically-correct grammar language-Nazis, are back." Jack shook his head. "They are the ones changing this town. You want to know how?" Jack asked. "By craxking down on everyone who does something SLIGHTLY racist." Jack answered. "And when they aren't doing that, this is what they do." Jack picked up a newspaper lying table. "'PC' stands for Pussy Crushing." Jack read the headline on the newspaer before showing it to the camera. "Yep. They use fighting intolerance to improve their chances of getting laid." Jack set aside the paper.

"We have Mr. Garrison running for president." Jack changed the subject to Mr. Garrison. "I had him as a teacher for third and most of my fourth grade." Jack said. "From that knowledge, I can tell you he would be one mixed bag as a presidential candidate." Jack stood up. "He is definitely not helping Syrian Refugees, which is very good." Jack said. "While their lives suck, if we let them into America, life is going to suck for both of us." Jack grabbed the Camera and moved it. "If we let them in, we know that bigots are jsut going to attack them because they might be Terrorists." Jack explained. "And then there's the fact that some of them might be Terrorist." Jack noted. "If America can barely tolerate the Mexicans and need a wall to keep out the Canadians, then we definitely can't take people from a nation we're fighting against." Jack said. "And speaking of Mexicans..."

"We have more minority's now. New hispanic and asian kids all over the school." Jack said. "Just look at the korean girl's art." Jack turned the camera to show some yaoi artwork of Tweek and Craig. "Where the fuck are all the black people?" Jack asked. "We've got hispanics and asians, but somehow forgot to include the most misrepresented race in America?" Jack showed images of Nicole and Token. "These are some of the only Black people I've ever seen in this town. Other than that one time the rich people started moving here." Jack added, noting a previous incident when South Park was on the map. "And let's move back to the yaoi." Jack said.

"Apparently the stuff turned two student gay." Jack said. "How? I guess it made them become sexually confused and because everyone thought they were gay, they just went with it." Jack shrugged. "I dunno. But I do know I don't approve of it because I'm heterosexual, and it goes against the few beliefs I have as an athiest and a pragmatist." Jack said. "I did not need to be forced into an assembly to see this crap." Jack said. "As long as it stays away from me, I'll leave it alone. That's my opinion of the gays." Jack explained. "Now, they changed me from a homophobe to an intolerant homophobe! Thanks a lot, Wendy!" Jack yelled. "Oh yeah, if I remember correctly, Wendy used to say Syrian refugees needed help. Now, the Terrorists are using them to attack other countries, AND keep them from leaving." Jack added. "Nice job helping them, Wendy!" Jack congratulated sarcastically.

"On to the subject of Terrorism." Jack put on a ninja mask. "The town can't tell the diffrence between ISIS and ninjas." Jack picked up his camera. He showed an images of both while he moved with it. "The diffrence is Ninja's are scary because you never see them, and ISIS is scary because you never see them coming." Jack explained, while climbing up a tower of tables he made.

"What the fuck are you doing!" PC Prinicipal yelled as he came through the doors.

"PC Prinicipal. Nice of you to join me. Would you like to beat the crap out of me so I can show the world what you do?" Jack asked.

"What the fuck is this, bro?" The new Prinicipal asked.

"I was just about to tell the world about the changes you made to South Park." Jack answered.

"Why aren't you in class?!" He asked.

"I thought it was more important to tell the world about the changes to South Park." Jack replied. "I'm sure they would love to hear about how you almost got my best friend killed." Jack said. What friend he was talking about was unclear; Jack has no friends. "Or about what the town does to Yelp reviewer behind their backs. I bet they'd love to hea it."

"Dude, you better get down from there!" PC principle yelled.

"Who's going to make me? The police? Do we still have those?" Jack asked. "Last I heard, the town rallied outside of the police station, flipping them off while playing NWA's 'Fuck the police' loud enough that you could hear it from Stark's Pond."

"I'm serious. I will expell you if I have to!" PC Principle warned.

"Oh right, their still here. The media is just being payed to shut up whenever they beat up minority's now." Jack said. "After what happened with the safe-space shit, someone had to take over as reality." Jack jumped out of an open window behind his tower of tables. "Peace, dude! I'm outta here!" Jack turned off his camera while running.


	7. Halo made a deal with the Canadian devil

**We're going to do something diffrent from the other chapters. It's kind of a review and a rant mixed together in a cinema sins parody. I shoud warn you now. If you haven't finished Halo 5's story, this chapter may not make sense. If you want more stuff like this, tell me in the reviews. This is my longest chapter in this story.**

**...**

Jack turned on his camera. "Alright people. Let's talk about everything wrong with Halo 5." A sin counter appeared in the corner and word appeared on the screen.

_Cynical Sins. Everything wrong with: Halo 5. _

_Spoilers. (Obviously)_

"First, let me grab my list of sins." Jack said. He slammed a giant pile of papers on the desk. "Ok, I'm probably going to have to do this in a mich longer video." Jack noted. He moved the pile. "I'll just save that for another video."

_The Only Sane Man reviews: Halo 5_

"So first, lets talk about the story." Jack said. "It sucks." Jack stated. "We get nine missions playing as the new guy, Spartan Locke." An image of Locke appeared. "I'll talk about him later. But let's focus on this: Only of the missions let us control the Masterchief." An image of Masterchief appeared. "Why would they be stupid enough as to make us play the new guy more than the main character of Halo?" Jack asked. "Then, we have that three of Locke's missions are just us talking to people." Jack added. "Isn't that what the cutscenes are for? With that and most of the expostion being covered during gameplay conversations, I'm surprised they didn't get removed from the game entirely." Jack said.

He showed an image of the Warden Eternal. "This game has a boss, something rare in Halo. But when you have to fight that boss seven times, it kind of makes him into a pointless character." Jack said. "I'm pretty sure the only reason he was brought back was because they realized that after Cortana started talking with Blue team, the Promethean's still attacking would reveal Cortana turned evil." Giant words saying spoilers covered the screen as Jack said this. "Also, they failed at hiding it." Jack said. "And if story doesn't make you sick of the Warden, fighting him on every Warzone map will." Jack assured. Jack showed a clip of the Warden appearing in Warzone.

"Speaking of Warzone's, they made the REQ points system." Jack said. He played footage of Warzone. "Guess what? It runs on freemium!" Jack yelled. "That's right. They made a deal with the Canadian devil. This is what Halo has been reduced to!" Jack showed a video of the Canadian devil enslaving Canada. "They also have bosses which are just buffed regular enemies." Jack said. "Know what would have made story better? Thorwing those bosses into the story." Jack said. "They could have used the Baron during the Phaeton section of Chief's second level. Give a Banshee vs Phaeton battle." Jack showed a clip of a phaeton being used to fight the Baron's Red banshee in Warzone. "They could have made Jul Mdama a boss instead of killing him off in that cutscene." Jack showed a clip of Locke assassinating the mentioned elite. "They could have had the less powerful bosses appear on legendary." Jack said. "So much wasted potential." Jack said.

"Most of the game wasn't even given to us." Jack said. "I'm still waiting on my teishen armor, which should've been in my mail by now." Jack showe an image of the mentioned armor. "They have free DLC, as opposed to making it part of the full game." Jack continued. "And we don't get Forge until December. This is worse then the Mass Effect 3 ending. There, what they gave us made jo sense and didn't have any closure. Here, half the game is missing, and won't be around until next year." Jack said. "That's taking up time they could've used to make a better game. Or make sure the sequel isn't utter crap." Jack noted. "And they removed coop. If they don't add it in an update, then my sister is going to go crazy, because she refuses to play a halo game without coop, and I don't have a second Xbone or friends I can make play with her so I don't have to." Jack explained. "Oh yeah, they took local coop. One of Halo's biggest features. Dumbasses." Jack added.

"Then, we have Blue team." Jack said. "They're back. Mostly, they just make refrences to Halo lore, and hide Chief's lack of personality." Jack said. "I'm pretty sure their only in the game because when they were making the game, 343 realized players would be pissed if they only played as Locke, so they wrote in those three missions last minute." Jack said. "In the three missions, absolutely nothing of significance happens." Jack said. "Everything that happens we already knew from trailers or is explained by Halsey in the cutscenes." Jack noted. "Then we have Osiris. I'm going to do each one individually." Jack said. "We got Buck. Who should be in charge, but didn't want be because of some stuff that happened in a prequel novel." Jack said. "We have Tanaka, who doesn't really do much of anything." Jack continued.. "There's Vale, who speaks more Shangheli than the Elite's in the do." Jack moved on. "And then, we have Locke." Jack finished.

"There is just so much wrong with him." Jack said. "First off, his character motovation is stupid." Jack showed an image of Halo: Nightfall. "At first, 343 implied he was a blindly loyal idiot, but if you've seen Halo: Nightfall, you'd know he's pissed off at Chief for blowing up the first Halo ring." Jack said. "Even though literally everyone else in Nightfall is to blame. Half of them died because they were stupid, and the other half died because some other guy didn't want to draw straws. Except Randall, who didn't plan on living." Jack said. "But we're not here to talk about Nightfall. We're here to talk about Halo 5." Jack said. "Locke is basically a !ary Sue." Jack placed a caption below.

_Mary Sue: Poorly written character. Commonly known to alter canon and/or make characters behave out of character._

"He has all the signs." Jack said. "Low ranked character: Check. He's is the second least combat experience on his team. They literally had to make a novel to explain why Buck wasn't in charge of Osiris." Jack had a list appearing on his screen as he counted Locke's traits. "Throws away canon characters: Check. He assassinated Jul Mdama in a cutscene. That was all they had Mdama for. To get killed by Locke." Jack added. "Causes characters to go out of character: Check. He is the only character Masterchief has ever sweared at. In all the Halo games, Chief has never swore. But Locke got him to say 'Hell' somehow." Jack played the two instances. "Makes characters that don't automatically like him automatically hate him: check. Both Chief and Arbiter automatically were pissed off at him." Jack continued. "Although Locke was getting in the way of Chief's mission, which is never a good idea, and Locke wanted to kill Arbiter at a point, so he didn't have a lot of reasons to trust him." Jack noted. "Still, when Chief fought him, he was trying to kill him. We have never seen the Chief do this. So, again, Out of Character." Jack finished. "And to top it all off, he tried to steal the role as the protagonist. Makes the Arby and the Chief hating him make more sense. The only reason Locke isn't the cover character is because no one would buy Locke. They want Chief." Jack concluded.

"And lastly, Chief vs Locke." Jack said. "It was the only good part of the game. What we all came for. What 343 made a tumblr series, four trailers, and used as the theme for every advertisement since Locke had a name." Jack showed the cutscene. "They put all that hype into cutscene." Jack said. "A [REDACTED] CUTSCENE!" Jack yelled. "After that, the rest of the game is Locke trying to get a rematch, which he doesn't get because Cortana betrayed Chief when he tried to talk her into stopping her plan to forcefully evolve humanity." Jack explained. "That was literally the rest of the game. The Guardian mentioned on the title were just plot devices to get to a Forerunner planet. And after that, the game ends on a cliffhanger." Jack said. "This is just like Halo 2— SON OF A B—" Jack cut off the video before he finished that sentence.


	8. Jack Reacts to React World

**This has gotten out of control. I had to postpone my Red Vs Blue Damian Stark Chronicles, Armonia (Both parts as I promised) for this shit! It was going to be the best chapter I ever made in any of my fanfictions! And I will not take having to put off writing one of my favorite characters lightly. The Fine Bros put a liscense on React. Reaction videos, reaction channels, if it has the word react in it, they can get money off it. I BASED THIS STORY OFF OF REACT CHANNELS! Do you realize what that means? I AM PROBABLY AT RISK OF BEING A VICTIM! If they go far enough as to get the rules of this website changed, I and a few other Fanfics are going to be in some deep trouble. AND I'VE ALREADY BEEN IN TROUBLE WITH THE RULES! This is Jack Henderson Reacts to React World.**

**Anyway, I do not own any Youtube channels mentioned. And I included a shoutout to a youtube commenter, Twinodoom. You should see his comment on TheFineBros "apology" video, it's a comment about why this is such a big deal and, I based some of Jack's reaction around it. I also refrence Pewdiepie and a lot of tv shows that aren't South Park in this chapter. And I reference South Park as a series. A lot of refrences are being thrown around here.**

**...**

Jack set up his camera in some junkyard for a very important rant. "React World. I can finally say I want to watch the world burn without sounding like a maniac." Jack lit a globe on fire to demonstrate his point. "Anyway, React World. I haven't seen Youtube go this crazy since the Stop Online Piracy Act. Also, thank you _Twinodoom, _for pointing that out in the Youtube comments so I wouldn't have to." Jack showed a link to the comment. I would show you it, but Anonymous Fanz forgot to grab the link when he wrote this. "Basically, this is SOPA. But for react videos. If you put the word in your video, your [REDACTED]." Jack explained. "That means most of my stuff is probably getting lost!" Jack yelled. "Yeah, Pewdiepie might be able to get a pass because he already works with them, but there are plenty of other people that are getting [REDACTED] by this." Jack smashed the burning globe with his foot, putting out the flames which were dying out because they had little fuel to keep it burning.

"I am not gonna stand by while this happens." Jack said. "This goes against everything youtube exists for! People should be able to make their own content without someone telling them what they can and can't make!" Jack threw what was left of the globe into a pile of assorted burnt trash. Because Jack likes burning trash here. Something about pyromania. "They shouldn't be able to put a liscense on a style of video. That's like if Japan randomly decided to sue any american cartoon that borrowed anime design style. And that's a lot of tv shows." Jack said. Examples flooded the screen. Avatar The last Airbender, Ben 10, Teen Titans, and many, many more. None of them were South Park, because that would be fourth wall breaking. "Back when people were panicing because of SOPA, we needed more laws to establish fair use concepts to protect both the content producers going nuts because of their content being stolen, and the people who hated how SOPA planned to protect their rights to the material." Jack picked up his camera and koved it close to his face. "The only thing linking them to the content is the fact that they were most popular for doing it." Jack editted an image of Pewdiepie next to him. "Does that mean Pewd's can just license gaming commentary if he wanted to? Does that mean IGN can license gaming reviews?" Jack asked.

"This is where I draw the line: People making money off other peoples work. And with react videos, how much that is can vary." Jack said. "I admit that a lot of them don't do much more than talk about things. But you've seen I do more than that, so it doesn't make me a hypocrite for not liking the people that do." Jack explained. "But The Fine Bros are trying to do that to the whole group. I don't like them, but I don't want to see one group of people get eaten by it's own kind." Jack said. "I am not going to watch the Fine Bros destroy everything they helped make, either." Jack turned off his camera.


	9. Jack Henderson vs the world

**I am very pissed off right now. Why? Because the NYC MTA fucked up again. I am sick and tired of them screwing up. They put some trains on express, made me have to go to a stop fifty blocks from where I was at, JUST SO I CAN MOVE FORWARD ONE STOP to transfer to a train. Because I didn't want to use my card more than I already had because I'd be losing money, I had to go back to where the express started, amd make a U-turn. I had to sneak through a fire exit to not pay for reentering the train station there, and then went back the fifty blocks I went to get there, plus the number of stops leading my own. And to top it all off, they had an annoucement repeatedly telling people THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT WAS WRONG AND HOW TO FIX IT. They were telling people that to use the trains put on express to go to the stop I couldn't get to because they were on express, so they could get to the trains I used to get to the express, which they claimed were on express even though they weren't on express, and were the only way to reach the express. And I checked a schedule for the thing they were announcing, and that wasn't even until tomorrow. I've seen them take an entire hour to send ONE train to a stop, but this is a whole new level of bullshit! Instead of Jack ranting that, I'll leave it to someone angrier. In the mean while, here's a chapter explaining why Jack is never happy.**

**...**

The camera was turned on in the Junkyard. Jack placed a globe on a table. "This is planet Earth. We live here. And I hate this planet." Jack said. "Two thirds of the planet is made of water, most of it undrinkable." Jack poured a glass of water on the globe. "It is also home to the Human race. I hate them with every fiber of my being." Jack said. "For whatever reason, we're the only intelligent life on this planet. Yet I've seen more intelligence in animals than most humans." Jack noted. "I've seen so much stupidity from human's that I don't even want to be related to the species."

"But I am. I wish I could be some other species, like a cat. But I'm not." Jack poored gasoline on the globe. "I wish I had a better planet, but I don't." Jack ignited the globe. "I have to share this crappy world with the rest of the human race, who are just a bunch of dumbasses breathing air I could be breathing." Jack kicked the burning globe into a pile made of burnt globes. "And I'm the only one that sees this planet for the piece of crap that it is."

"The thing I hate most about people is that they don't even realize how bad this planet is." Jack climbed onto a crane. "We've had war, pestilance, famine, and plague murder us countless times, and yet the population continues to grow, and the world refuses to end." Jack smashed what was left of the globe with a wrecking ball. "If the four horsemen of the Apocalypse have all been here and the end of the world hasn't come, it's never coming." Jack cliimbed out of the crane.

"They say hell is bad, but what could hell have that we haven't seen here?" Jack asked. "Just Satan. The former angel God sent to hell." Jack answered his own question. "Try to compare what Satan's done to Hitler's atrocities. Human's are the only devils to be afraid of." Jack said. "I'm an Atheist because every single religious prophet was human. They are just as capable of sin as we are." Jack explained. "Even God has been tempted by the devil. Satan once told god that a man was only faithful to him because he gave him a family and great life. So God took them away." Jack began telling a story told in one episode of South Park. "The man was still faithful, but what I noticed was the second part: God listened to Satan." Jack explained. "He listened to the guy that spreads temptation with lies. He killed a mans family, destroyed his home, and took all he had to live for off Satan's word." Jack explained. "I remember it was said we were created in God's image, and if God isn't perfect, neither are we."

"I live on this crappy planet where I'm The Only Sane Man." Jack turned off the camera.


	10. Dawn of Justice is gonna suck

**This chapter is being written in response to reviewer Twinodoom. I'm not sure if it's actually him, but I do take requests and Twinodoom's my friend IRL (Jack's clothes were designed based on him), and I've been talking about that movie for months, sure. I'll be demonstrating Jack's opinion of Dawn of Justice. DC fans, please don't kill me. I'm hoping the movie doesn't do poorly. The cynical side of me (basically what Jack is based on) is expecting it to fail, but I really do hope it doesn't. Also, if you have any other ideas, I prefer if their PMed with the name "Jack's mail" to make it easy for me to identify when I receive it.**

**Also, everytime Jack says Eisenberg, say it like "HEISENBERG!" without the H.**

**...**

Jack was sitting in front of his computer. "I was forced to watch the second Dawn of Justice trailer without someone filtering it because the last guy I used for that has a broken neck." Jack used to have Butter's check trailers to see if Jack might be able to fugure out the plot of the movie from it. Jack has 20/20 foresight, so he needs to make sure there isn't any plot in the trailer for him to work with. This also means that he needs Butters to review the trailer, so he can tell if he should watch it or not. "The trailer just ruined the whole movie for me, and apparently everyone else." Jack said.

"Normally I just end up seeing something that makes the movie less enjoyable because I know it." Jack explained. "But this is worse than that. I figured out who wins the fight through a single line." Jack rewinded the video. "If Man won't kill God, The devil will do it!" Luthor declared. Jack paused the video. "If you've been paying attention, Superman has been treated like a god by random people in a few trailers." Jack showed various images. "Also he has the false god statue." Jack showed the i age of the meantioned statue. "And the fact that Luthor sees Batman as the opposite of Superman." Jack replayed part of the first trailer. "Black vs Blue. God vs Man. Day vs night." Luthor said.

"God vs Man. And we know Batman ain't no god." Jack said. "Superman on the other hand is one of DC most ridiculously overpower characters." Jack is now going to explain why he doesn't like Superman as a character. "Supposedly he's strong enough to one punch moons and small planets, ignore the physics of blackholes, and the break the laws of space and time. And Break space and time." Jack said. "I've seen him ignore his weaknesses to Magic, Red Sunlight, and FUCKING Kyrptonite. Because apparently weakened Superman is STILL ridiculously overpowered." Jack wasn't lying. Comic book Superman was OP as hell. They're doing a better job at toning him down, but Jack hasn't picked up a comic book with Superman in it in years. "He's basically unbeatable unless someone pulls out Kyrptonite. Which is also in the film." Yeah, Jack doesn't like Kyptonite being used as his only weakness. The only thing he hates more is Superman being used as a god-teir character.

"I have no idea how DC comics was able to build him a fanbase when literally anyone in said fanbase that tries the same thing gets shot down for being a Mary Sue." Anonymous Fanz has experimented, researched, and confirmed that any character that people don't like is labeled as a Mary Sue, regardless of if they actually are or are not one. Because half of most fanfiction readers are stupid, and half of them are smart. Half of the stupid ones say smart things without knowing what their saying, and half the smart ones know the best way to stop a Mary Sue fanfiction is to just ignore it and let the writer get bored of the character when people stop hating. Because 50% of Mary Sue writers are trolls, a 25% are parodies, and and 35% are written by idiots. Some writers fall into multiple of these categories.

"One thing I hate is when people create some ridiculously perfect character, and no one hates them because of the people that created them." Jack said. "They get away with it because people let them. Even the feminists had to fight to get the Term a clear definition, but apparently people still don't give two shits unless it's a girl." Jack is now ranting about Femisim. He usually sees them as a gray zone. Because half of them are truly devoted to their cause, and the other half are opportunist manipulators that use them to target anything they don't like. "This is what I hate about Society. All the power belongs to idiots being used by smarter people to fight other smart people."

"Now that I'm done talking about why I hate Superman, let's move on to my favorite character." Jack said. "Lex Luthor. Basically, they've rebooted him into Eisenberg." Jack showed a picture of Lex. "Oh yeah, he's played by Eisenberg. Eisenberg! EISENBERG!" Jack yelled. "TSUNAVAVICH!" Leo yelled from outside. "I wonder who he had to blackmail to get that role?" Jack asked. "It sucks because that means they took out the best Character in Superman, and turned him in to Eisenberg." Jack said. "THEY'RE PAYING EISENBERG TO PLAY EISENBERG! HE'S EISENBERG! HE HOW CAN HE POSSIBLY FUCK UP THE MOVIE?!" Jack shouted. "I'm pretty sure he already knows Batman is Bruce Wayne, and saw through the Clark Kent disguise in the trailer." Jack played the clip on the screen of Luthor shaking Clark's hand. "Ow! Wow, that is a good grip! You should not pick a fight with this person." Lex said. "Yeah, that's not very subtle, Eisenberg." Jack replied. "Every word out of Eisenberg's mouth spoils something." Jack said.

"Lastly, they got the other heros." Jack said. "I'm not worried about Ben Affleck. Last time he was in a superhero movie was Daredevil, but that movie was so shitty he barely put any effort into it." Jack explained. "I'm more concerned about everyone else. Aquaman only gets a cameo, because we don't need to see him." Because Aquaman's fanbase died. DC's been trying to restore it though. "Wonder Woman looks like she's just going to talk with people and help fight Doomsday." Jack played a clip of Wonder Woman blocking the laser blast. "If Cyborg shows up, he's probably not going to be half robot yet." Jack said. "And nothing is said about how Flash is going to show up, but I'll bet you it's just going to be some red blur showing up that's supposed to be him." Jack said.

"The reason I don't expect much from the Justice League members we don't see, is because the video's explaining who they are tell us the stuff we would expect to see them deal with in their solo films, instead of how they influence the movie like they do with Superman, Batman, and Luthor." Jack is bringing the extra's into this. "Cyborg balancing his powers and humanity, and Aquaman learning about his powers. If their just cameos for a team from the next movie, this won't be any better than Amazing Spiderman 2." Jack said. "Ridiculous amounts of plot shoved into one movie, with too much plot to make a good movie. And the movie just ends up as a duplicate of some other movie already made." Jack explained. "I liked Amazing Spiderman 2, but if the Spiderman Trilogy didn't a lot have the same plot points used, and they had a little less sinister six setups, it would have been a good movie." Jack reviewed Amazing Spiderman two kind of well. "They could have gotten a 6 out 10 from me instead of a 4." Kind of. "Also, Eisenberg's Luthor reminds me of Harry Osborn when he became the goblin in Amazing Spiderman 2." Jack added.

"When the movie ends up being terrible, don't say I didn't warn you." Jack turned off the camera. "Because I'm not letting it go if they do." Jack said.


	11. Who is Squirrel Girl?

**Recently, the MCU announced they have another teen superhero planned after Spiderman. I have reason to belive it is Squirrel Girl. Here is why: It has mentioned that they had hopes of making a movie for her. The MCU already has Ironman, who she started out trying to become the partner of, and identified as her favorite Avenger. Jessica Jones has a tv show with Luke Cage, and Squirrel girl was known for watching over their daughter in the comics. And Squirrel Girl had her comic origin changed so that she isn't a mutant, so they don't need to pay Fox or change her origins in the movie.**

**So now, Jack is doing a recap video of Squirrel Girl's history, because I felt like writing a chapter where Ellie does something, and the story goes all over the place.**

**Also, I'm not going to use any of the Great Lake Avengers name changes for simplicity sake.**

**...**

Jack was looking at something on his computer while someone holding his camera entered his room. "Oh my god, no! I swear to god if they do what I think their doing!" Jack yelled. "Wait, do what?" Ellie asked, from behind the camera. "I think their bringing Squirrel girl to the MCU." Jack answered, as he turned around. "Yes! Finally!" Ellie is a Squirrel Girl fan. "No, I don't want them to do that!" Jack is not a Squirrel Girl fan. "She beat like, a some of Marvel's strongest characters." Ellie said. "Yeah, but it's usually offscreen or discredited later." Jack noted. Sometimes both. "Oh, we should do a video recapping Squirrel Girl's history!" Ellie exclaimed. "Why?" Jack asked. "Because the camera's recording, and this wuld be a waste of photage if you didn't." Ellie answered. "FU—

* * *

Ellie walked in the forrest, wearing a Squirrel Girl costume. _Squirrel Girls story started with her trying to become Ironman's sidekick, with hopes of one day joining the Avengers._ Jack is narrating this? Then why the hell am I still here? Ellie jump on top of Kyle, who was wearing an Ironman costume borrowed from Kenny. "Ow! What are you doing?" Kyle asked. "I'm volunteering to become your sidekick." Ellie answered. _But_ _Ironman wasn't a big fan of the idea._ "I don't typically work with underage heroes. Why don't you go ask Captain America?" Kyle replied. But Spiderman isn't a problem? "Because your my favorite avenger." Ellie said. "Also, I like my arm attached to my body." Shots fired! Shots fired! "I don't have time for this." Kyle walked away, when suddenly a net fell on him.

_Then, Dr. Doom decided to pop up unannounced. _Cartman in a Dr. Doom costume walked out from behind a tree. You could actually see his fat ass while he was hiding if you looked carefully enough. "Haha! I got you now Ironman!" Cartman exclaimed. _So Squirrel girl called for backup._ "Squirrel Army, ATTACK!" Ellie shouted as a box of squirrels was dumped on Cartman. "Ah! No! Not the Squirrels! Help! Get them off! They're in my eyes!" Cartman was covered in squirrels, flailing around to try and shake them off, but with no luck. _Unfortunately, this was one of the few time the real Doom fought. Had a sent a Doombot, he might not have been the first of many to fall to Squirrel girl. _"So. Want to be my sidekick." Kyle asked. "Nah, I'm good." Ellie answered. "FU—"

...

Ellie stood near Stark's pond with several of their classmates dressed as members of the Great Lakes Avengers. _Squirrel Girl later join one of the Avengers sister teams, the Great Lakes Avengers._ "Hey, I'm joining your team now." Ellie said. "Okay." One of the Great Lake Avengers replied. _Squirrel Girl was accepted because the Great Lake Avengers had really low standards._ To give you an idea of how bad they were, Hawkeye was one of their best members they ever had. And he only joined because he didn't realize they were a sister team, and that was his apology for trying to shut them down. _She was easily the most compentant member of the team, but that isn't saying much. _

"I am Maelstrom!" A guy dressed as that Marvel character pushed one of the Great Lake Avengers Kenny was actong as into the pond. "Oh my god! He killed that guy!" Ellie yelled. Oh yeah, he killed Grasshopper. "Squirrel Army, ATTACK!" Ellie threw a box of Squirrels Maelstrom. He got knocked into the water with the box. "Oh no, my Squirrel Army!" Ellie exclaimed. _Most of Squirrel Girl's army of Squirrel was sacrificed to stop a powerful villian._ "At least I still have Monkey Joe." Elie replied, holding a random squirrel. "WHO'S ON THE TEAM!" Ellie shouted, while turning to the GLA. "Yeah, sure whatever." One of the Great Lakes Avengers.

_It wasn't long after Monkey Joe became an official member, that he was killed by Dr. Doom. _"Wait what?" Ellie asked. Someone skinner than Cartman wearing the Doom costume snacted the squirrel, and chucked him into the pond. "NO! That was my favorite squirrel!" Ellie exclaimed. Doom ran off. "Oh no, he got away. We should probably leave him alone before we lose another member." One terrible actor said. "NO! We're going to make Doom pay!" Ellie declared. The GLA look at each other. "FU—

...

Ellie kicked down the door to Cartman's bathroom while he was taking a bath. Supposedly. He might be acting. "Gah! How did you get in here!" Cartman yelled in surprised as Ellie rushed int the room. "You killed my favorite squirrel! That was my best friend!" Ellie yelled. "What? Why would I be messing with you? I still have bite marks from last time!" Cartman countered. "Don't play dumb. We saw you do it!" Ellie yelled. _It turns out it wasn't Doom, but a rejected GLA member seeking vengeance on the team._ "Wait, what?" Ellie asked. _Yes. It was someone that didn't even meet the GLA's low standards._ "I want a new squirrel sidekick." Ellie said. _Apparently, one of the squirrels from Squirrel army that got sacrificed survived, so you can have that one. _A squirrel was tossed into Ellie hands. "I'll name him Monkey Joe 2!" Ellie declared. _HER name is Tippy Toe. _"FU—"

...

Ellie now was standing in Cartman's backyard, face to face with Kenny, who was wearing a Deadpool costume. _During Marvel's Civil War, Deadpool wanted to get the registered heroes to notice him by bringing them some unregistered heroes. Unfortunately, he targeted the Great Lake Avengers, who had Squirrel Girl with them, and were Registered._ "WAIT! Who the [REDACTED] are you?" Kenny asked. "Squirrel Girl." Ellie answered. Kenny started laughing. While he was laughing, Ellie kicked him in the face. "Hey, that was a cheap shot!" Kenny shouted. "Wait a minute, do you have an actual tail?" Kenny asked. Ellie smacked Kenny with the costumes tail. "Yep! That is definitely a real tail!" Kenny said. Ellie pushed Kenny onto the ground. "Why aren't you fighting back?" Ellie asked. "I'm sorry, but I just can't take you seriously." Kenny answered. _Deadpool was not mentally prepared for this fight. _"Well, FU

...

Ellie sat on a couch in the bunker below the Henderson's house, reading a comicbook. _Deadpool became a reserve meber of the GLA, and started hanging out out at their new base. _"Hey, is that a New Warriors comic?" Kenny asked. "Yeah! I love the New Warriors! Especially Speedball, he's my favorite member!" Ellie exclaimed. "Well I just so happen to have the issue of Civil War where he turns out to have not died in that incident we're not going to talk about." Kenny pulled out Civil War: Front Line Issue 10. "Oh my god, Speedball is alive!" Ellie exclaimed. "Yeah, if you consider emo's to be alive" Kenny answered. "Wait, what?" Ellie asked. Speedball got really dark after all his friends died. He started calling himself penance and wore a suit with spikes inside that kept him in constant pain. "Oh my god! Someone needs to change Speedball back to his old self. This looks like a job for Squirrel Girl!" A Squirrel Girl themed spoof of the Adam West jumpcut played. "Batman is definitely gonna sue you." Kenny noted. _FU—_

...

Ellie ran up to Jack wearing a Penance costume. "Hey Speedball!" Ellie exclaimed. "I don't answer to that name. I'm Penance now. Because I wear this suit to make up for that incident we're not going to talk about." Jack replied. "Can you stop being a dick and be Speedball again? Ellie asked. "No." Jack said. "Well, I'm not going to give up until I make you yourself again!" Ellie declared. _Squirrel Girl was unable to do this, and left._ "Wait! I have a new idea!" Ellie ran off.

...

Ellie charged back into Cartman's bathroom. "GAH! How do you keep getting in here?!" Cartman splashed water on the floor by surprise when Ellie broke in. "Doom, Can I borrow your time machine?" Ellie asked. "Yeah, sure, whatever." Cartman replied. "Thanks!" Ellie ran back out. Squirrel Girl's plan was to travel back in time to before Speedball became Penance, to stop him from changing. "I need to get better security. And rat poison." Cartman said. "Oh yeah, I also broke your statue. Sorry." Ellie quickly added. "FU—

...

"Wait a minute, this isn't the past!" Ellie yelled, as she walked out of Henderson's basement. Squirrel accidentally sent herself to the future. "Hi, I'm Speedball." Butters, in a Speedball costume, said. This future had a new version of Speedball. "Want to come to the past with me?!" Ellie asked. "Uh, no. I'm pretty sure that'll cause a time paradox or something." Butters replied. "Aw." Ellie sat on Cartman's couch disappointed. Randy Marsh showed up as an older version of a member of the GLA. "Squirrel Girl! You have to go to the past and stop us from giving Deadpool full membership!" Randy warned. "Are you talking about me?!" Leo asked in the background. "Quick, before he knows your here!" Randy whispered loudly. "Can I take new Speedball with me?" Ellie asked. "No." Randy answered. "FU—

...

_After a while, Squirrel,Girl decided to leave the Great Lakes Avengers and go solo. She was later hired as Danielle Cage's nanny. She was trying to get noticed by the Avengers, but ended up caring about the child, and did less during later arcs until her Unbeatable Squirrel Girl comicbook series._

"So that's pretty much all I have from before All-new, All-Different." Jack said. "Oh my god, I hope they bring Squirrel Girl back!" Ellie exclaimed. "I don't. She's kind of overrated." Jack replied. "FUCK! YOU!" Ellie smacked Jack with the tail on the Squirrel Girl costume as she left.


	12. Another deal with the Canadian Devil

**I'm doing a chapter on Destiny, the Rise of Iron. I left Destiny after year 0, and apparently it's gone to shit while I was gone.**

**...**

Jack entered his room pissed off. "It's been years since I stopped playing Destiny." Jack explained. "So far, they devalued all of my hard earned gear, gave away the first two DLC for free, Dinklebot got replaced by Nolan, and worst of all, they added micro-transactions." Jack sat in his rotating chair. "Yeah. Bungee made a deal with the Canadian devil." Jack said.

"But that's not what I'm here to rant about." Jack slammed his games case on the table. "You see this?" Jack threw it out the window. "You can forget about this. It's worthless." An image of the Rise of Iron appeared next to Jack. "If you want that, you have to buy a bundle with the game and the Taken King." Jack explained. "But what if you already payed for those? Well, screw you, your paying again."

"What the fuck happpened to you bungee?!" Jack asked. "Why can't you make a good story driven game?! You made fucking Halo!" Jack threw a Halo CE anniversary case across the room. "I don't know why they changed Dinklebot. I liked it. It sounded sort of emotionless, without being too machine-like." Jack said. "Nolan reminds me of C3PO. I don't need a protocol droid." An image of C3PO from the force awakens appeared.

"And they decided to make not buying DLC a bitch." Jack added. "They have a level cap that can't be reached without DLC, and items that need you reach that level to use." Jack explained. "Apparently matchmaking hasn't improved. I still can't do a raid without teammates leaving, forcing me to start over fifty god damn times!" Jack slammed his fist on his table.

"Yeah, I'm not coming back to Destiny. It's getting worse everyday." Jack said. "Eversince 343 and Bungee split, the two have been going downhill." Jack held a halo 4 disk case. "What I liked most about Halo was that it's story gave the gameplay meaning." Jack said. "Destiny doesn't really do that because they make you replay the missions a hundred times." Jack explained. "The gameplay loses meaning when you're doing the exact same mission a hundred times, with the exact same dialogue and enemies."

"I'm going think I'm done for today." Jack turned off the camera.


	13. Xenoverse 2 rant

**I've been playing Xenoverse 2 for one week. In the week that I couldn't play the beta, (Cause' I don't have a PS4, longer story than you'd think) I watch videos of the character customization to plan the different characters I would make. **

**When I found out I was going to have to replay the entire story from the beginning for each character, to reunlock everything, that completely changed my mind. I may never use a second character because of the repeated story grinding to reunlock the nearly useless ally characters and reunlock parallel quests to grind with, because of that.**

**So, it's time for Jack to rant.**

**If you haven't played Dragonball Xenoverse 1 or 2, this chapter may not make sense.**

**...**

Jack slammed a copy of Xenoverse 2 on a rusty car, somewhere in the junkyard. "Xenoverse 2!" Jack shouted. Another rant begins. "No wait, Xenoverse 1 POINT 2." Jack corrected.

"Let's start of with the first problem with the game." An image of Elder Kai popped up on screen. "You start the game following an old mans trail of sexually harrassed women." Actually, it was only two of them, and one guy pointing you in their direction. "Even if you already know where he is, you still have to find the poor girls first." Jack explained. "Then the old man blames you for being late to see him."

"Next, you go to a mission pulled from Xenoverse 1, with slight differences." _A clip of Jack's female Majin "Bang" falling played. "Damn you, Flying License!" Past Jack shouted. _"Oh yeah, they don't let you fly until you've cleared 40 percent of the story." I think it was 39 percent, actually.

"When you're done with that, you get to choose between repeating Xenoverse 1's Saiyan Saga, or the earlier Namek Saga." Jack continued. "Like all the other choices you get, it doesn't matter, because you'll do the other three missions later." Jack explained. "The only choices you don't get a repeat of are in Frieza's side quests." Jack noted.

"After you're done with the two meaningless quest choices, you go back to the Ginyu saga." Jack warned. "I have no idea why the fuck it was included." Jack said. _A clip of Trunk's body being used by Ginyu played. "Why is this in the game? It contributes nothing!" Past Jack ranted. _"I'm pretty sure the first half of the game was content they wanted to squeeze into the first game, but never got around to it." Jack noted. It's not much different.

"Next, you have to save NAIL!" If you don't understand the refrence, you need to watch more youtube. "The only significant thing that happened there is Slug and Turles getting killed when you go back to the same point to stop them from killing Gohan while he used the Dragon Balls." Jack explained.

"That could have been done at the beginning of the Frieza Saga." Jack reminded. But then they'd have to animate new cutscenes for that fight. "Speaking fo Frieza, it's almost exactly the same as in Xenoverse one, until the last segment." Jack explained. _Clips of Jack fighting Cooler and Frieza played. "Did they really need to recyle half of Xenoverse 1 to make this?" Past Jack asked._

"It's the first time you see a change in history that makes perfect sense." Jack commented. "It's not like when Turles handed out Fruit to make the Ginyu force stronger. Towa already does that by waving her staff." Jack added.

"But the fight is ruined by a random difficulty spike for no apparent reason!" _Past Jack ranted in a clip playing in the background. _"But if you somehow manage to make it past this point in the game, you will be awarded with flying!" Jack shouted with sarcastic joy. _"Well it's about fucking time! I should have had this to begin with!" Past Jack ranted._

"Now for the androids saga." Jack said. "You get to meet Future Gohan and stop Trunks from changing the timeline by keeping him alive, and fight first form Cell to keep him from eating to many androids at once." _A clip of Cell absorbing both andoids played._ "Nothing important happens during those missions. They're filler." Jack explained. DBZ filler is the games now?! If we don't do something now, it'll be the end of all of us! NOOOOOOOOOO!

"For some reason, the next time we visit included Broly hanging out with Majin Buu." Jack said. "After nothing happens, you go back to the Super Buu fight from last game." _Jack played a clip of past Jack fighting Super Buu. "I'm surprised I haven't run into the past Fenn by now."_ Fenn is a Saiyan female Jack carried over from the original game. "You never get to work with your previous time patroller. He disappeared at somepoint on Namek." Jack doesn't remember when.

"Back to Buu, you find out that Vegeta is in trouble in hell." Jack explained. "Janemba gets thrown at him. Another sensible use of villians, but too short to be good." Jack shook his head. "I was promised that the story would be different from Xenoverse 1, and I am very disapointed."

"The next mission is a repeat of the Kid Buu spirit bomb mission." Jack said. "After Kid Buu is gone, you follow some masked Saiyan, who's totally not Time Breaker Bardock from Dragon Ball Heroes, and accidentally get sent to the middle of Goku's fight with Beerus." _A clip of the interruption played. "God Beerus, damn it!" Past Jack yelled. _

"Supreme Kai of Time defuses the situtation by making pudding." _A clip of the pudding being teleported played. _"Unfortunately, she made the pudding." Jack noted. _The clip skipped to Goku having a stomach ache, and Beerus getting pissed off._ "Then you have to help Whis calm down Beerus. By punching him." Sounds effective.

"Later, You go to fight Revived Frieza and find out that Metal Cooler got revived with him." Jack explained. "Towa decides to prank Beeus by callinging him to the Time Nest with an offer of pudding." Jack played the earlier pussing's arrival. "Apparently, he didn't learn not to trust Supreme Kai of Time giving him free food." Jack explained.

"Since Whis went with Berus, You get sent back to just before Frieza blows up earth to stop it." Jack explained. "Then you have to fight Whis for some training bullshit." Jack mimicked his Bang's VA's bored expression.

"After another pointless fight, You try to find out why Bardock is helping Towa." Didn't Jack say it wasn't Bardock? "After fighting Bardock, he changes sides and pulls Mira into a wormhole going out of time using the full-nelson technique." Jack played the clip. _"Mira could have just flown away from the portal." Past Jack noted. _Damn you hindsight!

"So Towa sends your previous time patroller suffered the same fate." Jack showed his reaction. _"I finally get to fight with Fenn." Past Jack is also copying Bang's VA. _"Towa gets pissed at the failures of her allies and erases your past patroller from history." A clip of Fenn being erased played._ "Oh no, that minion just died." Past Jack doesn't seem to care._ "If the other time patroller were in the game more, I might have given a shit." Jack noted.

"Everyone thinks you were the other time patroller until your next story mission, conveniently." Jack explained. "You go back in time to stop Towa from preventing Trunks from creating the first Time Patroller." _Past Jack wasn't happy. "This would be the perfect point to fight along side the previous time patroller." Past Jack noted._

"Towa infiltrates the Time Nest, and frees Mira from the wormhole." Jack played the clip. "You face Mira, who destroyed his power limiter, turning him into a literal time bomb." Jack explained. "Towa helps you defeat Mira. Then he absorbs her to unlock a new form."

"Goku decided to show up, because he somehow knew to ask Whis to send him get to whatever time you were in to fight a battle they shouldn't have known about." Jack slammed the game on the car. "Their just trying to find an excuse to add an ally to the boss fight!" Jack shouted. "Once your done with story, you do side tasks to collect eggs and mess with a new timeline." Jack explained

"But this is the part that pisses me off." Jack said. "When I created a second character, I had to start the story from the beginning." Jack rewinded the entire footage of his gameplay. "You have to follow Elder Kai's trail of harrassed women again. Fight Cooler again. Fight Mira again." Jack explained. "Everything unlocked by story was locked again. You're replaying the entire game for each character." Accelerated gameplay footage played 8 times. "There's no shortcuts. Only endless story grinding."

"I'm not replaying the game for another character!" Jack threw the game into a burning trash pile. "Fuck you, Xenoverse 2!"


	14. Xenoverse 2 Rant part 2

**You thought I was done with Xenoverse? That was just the story! I haven't even touched the parallel quests yet!**

**I keep running into the same issue where my AI teammates don't do anything except revive fallen teammates, and randomly interrupt my combos. ****I tested, amd found out I actually complete certain Parellel quests faster without them.**

**This is completely unacceptable. **

**...**

Jack is watching the Xenoverse 2 case melt and burn. "And now we're going to talk about multiplayer." Jack said. There's more?!

"I can't play multiplayer." Jack explained. He can't play multiplayer in a multiplayer focused game? "I can't play multiplayer in a multiplayer focused game." Jack said. _He played a clip of past Jack attempting to connect to multiplayer. "Why the hell can't I play multiplayer in a multiplayer focused game!" Past Jack yelled._

"I never had this problem on Xenoverse 1." Jack noted. "But on Xenoverse 2, I can't connect for quests." Jack explained. "And it's not just finding random people." Jack noted._ "Why aren't you connected?" Past Ellie asked. "It failed to connect." Past Jack answered. "Why?!" Ellie yelled. "I don't know." Jack replied. _"I literally cannot connect to any other players." Jack stated.

"So I have to work with the AI." Jack slammed his head on the car. "That is what working with the AI feels like." Jack explained. And Jack filmed a montage of him yelling at his AI teammates. _"Goku, stop interrupting my combos!" "Vegeta, why are you so weak?!" "Beerus, DO SOMETHING!" "Black Goku, you're fucking useless!" "Cooler, I will watch you die." "This is why your father died, Trunks." Ok, that was too far._

"The AI is literally incapable of transforming during quests." Jack explained. "Even the enemy AI is not immune. They still use transformations as ultimates." Jack added. "If you don't believe me, use your scouter on any transformed enemy." Jack said.

"For some reason, Goku's entire family hates me." Jack noted. "When Gohan is on my team, he'll either die quickly, or interrupt my combos." Jack explained._ "Did they give me Super's Gohan?" Past Jack asked. _"When he's on the enemy team, he suddenly turn into a badass." Jack said. "Because the enemy can transform." Jack explained.

"For some reason, the AI will wait around for a chance to fuck up my combos." Jack said. _"Goku, go help Vegeta!" Past_ _Jack yelled. Vegeta just died. "Oh no! If only I did what need to be done sooner!" Goku exclaimed. "You fucking dumbass." Jack said. _

"They programmed the AI to be less agressive when multiple people lock onto a target." Jack explained. "Apparently, this affects them when they're both locked on to the same target." Jack noted. "This only affects the enemy if more than three of them lock onto one guy." Jack said.

"Why is the useless AI a problem?" Jack asked. "Because I can complete some quests solo faster than I do with a team." Jack answered. "Yes, your teammates are holding you back." Jack said.

"Here's where the problem gets ridiculous." Jack warned. "In the Expert missions, you have to play with FIVE broken AIs." Jack explained. "You can end up with five mind controlled allies trying to jump you because the AI doesn't know how to dodge." Jack said. "Since I can't play multiplayer, I have to work with those five useless AI." Jack said.

"It gets worse when enemies get the ability to automatically dodge melee attacks." Jack noted. Why would they even include that? "You can't hit them unless you spam Ki blasts, which the AI rarely does." Jack explained. "THEY IMPLEMENTED EVEN MORE BROKEN SMASH ARMOR!" Jack screamed.

"Whoever programmed the AI in Xenoverse 2 needs to be fired." Jack declared. "They were payed to create functional AI, and we got some half-assed trash that only works in the early levels." Jack ranted. "I can't keep play Xenoverse if the game isn't functioning." Or if it's disk is on fire.


	15. It's time to leave Youtube

**I'm tired of watching Youtube slowly kill content creators. It's time I do something. The most drastic thing I can think of.**

**...**

_The following footage has been recovered from Stark's pond._

The quality on this one is low, because of damaged footage. To recreate this, Anonymous Fanz decided to throw away Grammer.

Jack is pissed. "Youtube, it'z time to stopp." Jac said. "Piple have ben complaining about issus where they hav been losing subscribers." Jack explained. "Youtube finally announced that there is no glitch." Jack said. Then what's the problem? "Youtub's doing this ON POURPOSE."

"They say that they've been removing accounts from the subskriber cont without unsubscribing them." Jack explained. "Ass uming they aren't lying!" Jack accused. "They r leting spammrs spam without consequences." Jack slowly clapped. "Why thee FUCK are they not being dleted?" Jack asked. Because Youtube is lazy. "TThey nevar Xplaned y pepal have been unsubbd witout cauz." Jack noted.

"A few monts ago, der wusa massive purgeh of subscribers, and Youtube didn't kno wut hapened." Jack explained. "Aftr luking into it, they blamed a system that removes subscribars that barely watch videos." After people started freaking out. "Iv Utube dosn't knuw wen dah system removes sabs, you expect me to belive them when they say there's nuthing wrung withit?" Jack asked.

"Matpatt is an IDIOT." Jack is targeting other Youtubers now. "Member when people were scared of the company's showing up on Youtube." Jack asked. Yeah, I 'Member. "Mattpat's the one that said they won't be a problem." Jack noted. "Who's the only ones capable of gettin into the Youtube's suggestion boxes?" Jack asked rhetorically.

"Byy allowing the Corporation to join Youtube, you've killed all other Youtubers." Jack said. "Dus no one watch the Angry Joe Show?! The Corporation is fucking EVIL!" Jack yelled. Now it's finally going to destroy him. Eventually. "What happens when this erases all the Youtubers not using paid labor to stay on top?" Jack asked. I don't want to know.

"There is only one solution." Jack concluded. "It's time to abandon Youtube." That's madness! "I'm leaving the only social media I ever touched because of this." No one has ever tried that before! "This is the last video I'm making." Jack threw the camera into Stakr's pond, where it sank. It remained there until it's battery died.


End file.
